13 Unexpected Things You Learn After You Become a Doula

I took the DONA Birth Doula Training with Christy and Julia a decade ago. When I look back at what I thought doula work would be like, I can see that there were some things I expected about birth doula work, but there are also some things that came as a surprise as I attended more and more births as a doula.
1. You might become friends with your doula client.
Sometimes you work with a doula client that you really vibe with. As the months and years pass you find that you continue to get together, just to catch up. Then one day it occurs to you that you’re meeting to talk about things that have nothing to do with their baby(ies) or their uterus. Your relationship may have started as doula and client, but now you’re truly friends.

Better yet, they might join your team and you’re not only friends but you’re colleagues too.
2. You learn something new at every birth.
Maybe the nurse does some cool trick you’ve never seen before and you make a note to remember that for next time. An OB or midwife might explain something to your client in a way that really clicks for you and helps you understand something you’d only previously read about. Clients frequently teach me something new or share some new idea or resource with me too.

Every birth has something unique to offer you as a doula. These gems will be added to your doula tool box and will absolutely benefit your future clients.
3. Doula work is like an onion. There are always more layers to peel back and dive into.
There is always more to learn, this fact is exciting yet terrifying at the same time. What’s new in prenatal testing, what’s necessary, what’s not? Understanding research, helping clients navigate uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms, new recommendations, labor positions, interventions, comfort measures and more.

There’s also the business side of doula work to keep up with too; workflows, communication tools and styles (email, text, in person), navigating and cultivating professional relationships, personal boundaries around work and your life, new training opportunities, workshops, meetings, luncheons, conferences, new books, new podcasts, new Instagram accounts to follow. You don’t even know what you don’t know! Just keep peeling.
4. You realize how important self care is.
As a doula, it is crucial to take good care of yourself so you have the energy and joy to serve your clients. “Put on your own mask before helping someone else.” “Fill up your own cup so you may pour into others.” These cliches are well applied to doula work.
I acknowledge that is a privilege to be able to feed yourself healthy, nourshing foods. When and if you are able to eat well, you are more likely feel good!
Regular movement and excercise also serves us well as doulas too. Strength training one to three times per week can help make hours of hip squeezing and leg holding easier on your own body. Getting your heart rate up with some cardio a few days week can help you build and maintain endurance and allow you to continue to support your clients when births go really long.
I’ve also learned that I need be intentional to getting outside everyday (especially during the winter months here in Rochester, NY) for regular daylight exposure. It doesn’t matter if it’s sunny or cloudy, regular daylight exposure helps me sleep better and can keep away middle-of-the-night insomnia that will leave me feeling poorly the next day. Being well rested can make it a little bit easier to hang in there when you end up at a long birth or are awake overnight.
Taking good care of yourself makes this work easier! This is what inspires me when I need a “why” to priortize taking care of myself.
5. You get really good at being prepared.
Fill up the gas tank in the morning? Actually, let’s fill up the tank tonight on my way home, just in case. Freezer meals ready to go? Check. My doula bag is perpetually packed with the things I might use at a birth for a client, but it’s also packed with some things for me. A couple of protein bars, mints, gum, phone charger and an extra shirt. Like a scout, you get good at always being prepared!
When a doula client nears 38 weeks, you’ll start to say the infamous doula line, “unless I’m a birth”.
6. Doula skills spill over into every day life.
You start to use your doula skills on your kids, your family and even yourself. We get better at staying calm in stressful situations, you learn to help your overwhlemed child tune into their breath. You know how to stay present with a sad friend or simply hold space while they navigate a hard season of life.
It gets easier to remind yourself “this too shall pass” when you are going through something challenging yourself. The contraction always ends, our uncomfortable feelings or circumstances always do too.
Doula work gives us an opportunity to practice being a better listener. You learn that not every situation requires you to say something or needs advice. Sometimes people just need to feel heard.
7. What was once your side gig can become your actual job, and maybe even a real business.
I started my work in birth and breastfeeding as a volunteer. I first became chapter leader of our local International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) group in Rochester. A year later I became La Leche League Leader, providing mother-to-mother breastfeeding support. It was so comforting to be that new mother when I needed someone to reassure me that my feelings were valid or that I wasn’t spoiling my baby if I picked her up every time she cried. I’ve always loved talking about birth, breastfeeding and mothering and I loved being that support for other mothers as my children got older.

My years of experience as a volunteer (not to mention my years as a mother) made it easier for me to step into the world of being a professional birth doula. If you’re that friend that your pregnant and fellow mothers turn to when they have questions, doula work just might be for you.
8. Being on call can be hard.
Being on call means that you are going to have to hit the pause button on your own life sometimes. Your family is also on call and will need to get good at going with the flow. Your kids learn that sometimes mom isn’t home in the morning when they get up, but she’ll be back. (And then she’ll probably need to sleep.)
Being on call means you can’t really go out of town on short notice. Arrangments can be made for a back up doula to cover for you when you’ll be unavailable, especially when an event or a day trip comes up that you really, really don’t want to miss. But even with a solid back up plan there can still be some anxiety around potentially missing the birth or disappointing your client.
You will learn to navigate an on-call life (see #3) but no matter how you slice it, being available to drop everything or jump out bed in the middle of the night when your client goes into labor is a hard part of this job.
9. Sometimes you need a break.
See #8. Being on call and being at birth for a long time are the two most challenging aspects of doula work for me. I know many other doulas feel this way too.
I’ve gone through phases in my doula career where I’ve taken a lot of clients and have been continuously on call for long periods of time. There have been other times when I’ve needed to take fewer clients or no clients at all for a while. I’m currently in a place where I’m balancing lactation consulting and taking a few doula clients a year. I always enjoy working with repeat clients (see #1) and as a VBA2C mother, I especially love supporting clients seeking a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean.
Working in this field means your client load might ebb and flow based on what else is going on in your life. You might need to take a doula hiatus at some point and that’s OK. You’re still a doula. There will always be pregnant clients ready for you when you’re refreshed, renewed and ready to jump back in.
10. It’s not your birth.
You surely have some ideas and values about how you would or did approach your own birth(s). You are going to have clients that don’t plan the kind of birth that you would. Some of your clients will want a home water birth with music and essential oils. Other clients will know they’ll be asking for an epidural as soon as they get to the parking garage.

It can be hard to watch your client make choices you don’t necessarily agree with, this often gets easier the longer you do this work. We have to remember this is their journey. As their doula we’re here to offer ideas, information and support. Clients make the decisions that feels best for their body, their baby and their birth.
11. You learn that birth is unpredictable.
There are no guarentees for anyone when it comes to birth. That is just the hard truth about bringing a baby into this world. Labor can go quickly and smoothly, others can be long and complicated. A client might be in prodromal labor or have an induction that lasts for many days and nights. Some labors are more mental and emotional work than they are physical. There will be babies who decide their birthday is going to be much earlier than anyone anticipated. Then there are those kiddos who hang in there for the full 42+ weeks and you’ve been on call for a full month for the same client!
12. Doula work swings like a pendulum.
For better or for worse, as a birth doula you will be supporting another human through one of the most memorable experiences of their life. It can be incredible, inspiring, powerful, humbling, traumatizing, exhilating, exciting, frustrating, soul-filling or heart-breaking.
As amazing as being present at a birth can be, the pendulum will sometimes swing in the opposite direction. Some days you’ll be on the highest high, other days you’ll hit some lows. This is birth. You will learn how to ride the waves and Surrender to the Flow. (A link to one of our most loved t-shirts!)
13. You need doula buds.
New parents need community, doulas do too. It’s so helpful to be able to talk to another doula about the birth you just attended. Maybe you want to share how incredible it was, or you need help processing how the labor unfolded. See #11 and #12.
We all need a friend who can listen, or you might want some advice or feedback. Maybe you just need to share that that your shoes got soaked with amniotic fluic or you want to tell someone about the funny thing that happened. You need doula friends because doula friends get it!

We are so lucky to have each other at BBC, there is also the Rochester Doula Cooperative in our area. Most cities have professional doula organzations where you can meet other doulas to make friends and talk shop.
Plus, you are going to need back up. And sometimes you are the back up doula.
Doula work can be hard, but it is also amazing.
Nothing worth having comes easy. Doula work is most often extremely rewarding and fulfilling even though you will sometimes face challenges as a doula. This is the trade off. You’ll leave most births floating on air and riding the birth high all the way home and sometimes even into the week ahead. As a doula you can make a powerful difference in someone’s life. Your clients will surely make a powerful difference in your life too.
If you are a new or seasoned doula, what have you learned along the way that surprised you?